![]() I think the reason it was so great was because we didn’t ruin it with sex.Ī year ago, 2 weeks from now, I dumped my controlling Shakespeare-wannabe long distance boyfriend.ĥ months ago I got together with my current boyfriend. It was nice, one of the best nights of my life without sex involved. Then at some point I asked him if he wanted to go to the bed. I can’t remember if I replied to this, I probably just giggled as I leaned in for another one. I don’t think I ever felt so much in every fiber of my being just from one little kiss. I think it was the best, most anticipated kiss of my whole fucking life. He just came in, put his arms around me, and kissed me. I opened the door, cautiously, because I’ve always been the cautious type, not sure what was about to happen. I crossed over, looked through the peephole, my heart racing. I remember that night, though I want to forget it. I’m sick of them showing up in every thought, and how some of them seem to continually sneak into my writing in this post-you time. Then that means that you aren’t still out there, running around and terrorizing people with your words. Your words. Let’s go with option #2, it would make things much simpler. Sometimes I wondered if you actually existed or if my mind made you up to drive myself crazy. Why? Because you were real, and then you were also surreal. Maybe enjoy is the wrong word, as in “I will ‘enjoy’ wanting to stab you even though I’m fucking scared of you”. There I’ll find you, and I’ll enjoy every second of it. I’ll just wander around the dark alleys where you pissed your own words on the wall, and spray painted your shit for all the world to see. For some reason I imagine going back to find you, just to see if I’ll happen to run into you even thought I have no idea exactly which city you’re in. You don’t have to keep repeating them, imaginary-version-of-you. It ate up those 2 and a half years, and it’s slowly crawling back to me to the present, trying to reel my back in. I’m sure it won’t bother me as much in the future, but it’s almost like a black hole in my timeline. But still, there’s a sort of gravity to this moment of time in my life. it may not seem like a long time, if you factor in that I should be alive for another 70 or 80 or so years. We have spoken every night since approximately until. Just a small voice in my ear that I would listen to every night after I picked up the phone. And you were never really here, after all. Your presence may be gone, but words can last a long time. Sometimes I’m terrified that you’ll come back, or maybe you’re still here, in my head. All you had to do was talk, but your words were powerful. The cloud of smog cleared up simply by me waving my arms and opening a window to let you get out. You invaded my life for the past 3 years, poisoning my mind and controlling my thoughts. ![]() Has anyone else had a similar problem with an emotional abuser? He might think I still care about my abuser.Īm I supposed to not go into work the week that I know he’ll be in town? Do I warn my boss and coworkers?Ĭan you only get restraining orders for people who have physically abused you? He never hurt my body, only my mind. I don’t know what to tell my boyfriend because I think he’d be upset if he knew I was checking up on him. Emotional abusers know how to manipulate their victims, and I refuse to be a victim any longer. I know he just wants to talk, but talking won’t solve anything. So it is possible that he can find me at my job, and I work in a public building where anyone can just walk right in. There’s no way he could know my current address, but I maintain professional websites for my work, so I can have a web presence and get jobs in the future. If I don’t see him post anything about me, it comforts me for a while until I start worrying again.īut a few weeks ago on instagram he posted a ticket confirmation for a flight to the city I live. So, occasionally I find his public social media pages to check up on him, and make sure he is still far away from me. I was brave enough to shut him out, to tell him I didn’t want to speak to him or see him, but I am still paranoid enough that he will want to see me again. He wanted me to act a certain way for him, he wanted me to buy things for him with my own money, and would get frustrated when I didn’t live up to his standards or play by his rules.The worst was him expecting me to answer the phone whenever he called, meaning I could hardly have a life of my own, and he would get jealous when I tried. We were in a long distance relationship, and the majority of communication was on the phone or Skype, but words can hold so much power over another person. He emotionally abused me for about 3 years. I think my abuser is going to try to visit me.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |